N: Enjoy it while u can!
One day.. you’ll be like me!
Me: That’s thoroughly depressing
B: Dear god I hope not
30 and not settled
GG

Remember those little (or sometimes EPIC) questionnaires people emailed around during high school?

Me: “8. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: i live.. um, wif my family, parents, brother, grandma, small house in st johns park, keke, come visit sometime ;)”
You are so gay
B: Shush
Me: “14. WHAT DO YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP: Oo . a lot of fings !! HAPPINESS ehehe .. which is made up of TLC!! kishes n hugz .. trust n respect .. communication n forgiveness .. fun .. umm wat else ?? Oo can’t fink of nefin now!! ” welps.. lolz yeh pretty much the same for me ;)”
I look at you differently now.
B: Well of course
This is 4 years on
I’m sure you’re a different person now too
Me: Yeah I don’t want to show you
“48. HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN DRUGS: panadol, demezin! oh and dimetapp my favourite^^”
Did you think at that time that someday you’ll know how each one of the above is metabolised?
B: Of course not

Me: I guess it’s kind of a catch-22
If he wasn’t hot, I wouldn’t be interested
And if he was hot but just wanted to play around with me
I wouldn’t be interested
However if he was hot AND decent, I’d care more about the decent part than the hot part
So I guess whatever you do, you can’t get me to just want to fuck someone and be done with it
I guess I am MORAL
Take that, haters.

I spent 2.5 hours helping a single customer. I bet none of you have spent more than 10 MINUTES with one person in your pharmacies.

It’s nearly midday and I wander over to the make-up aisle to see this Asian girl squatting by the L’Oreal stand. I’m in a good mood today so I approach her and ask if she needed help. MISTAKE.

The girl says yes eagerly and asks me to recommend some foundation. Considering I’ve never used foundation I don’t have a lot to work with, but I try to be helpful and ask her what type of skin she has. She’s highly fob and from what she manages to get out and the glistening sheen covering her face I figure she’s oily. So I take her to the Revlon stand and tell her about CH’s favourite normal-combination foundation.

She tries everything on her arms and wrists despite me repeatedly advising she use testers on a small area of her face for better colour-matching. She finds a problem with every product and we move from one foundation to another and still fail to find the perfect one. At this point I’m just happy to have an excuse to get away from F.

The girl has a vision. Nothing is fair enough for her and she stares at my face and tells me she wants make-up that would make her look pale, and a pink blush to wear on top. Well that’s easy, I thought, she just wants to look like ME. Except unlike me she is not naturally pale and wearing fair-coloured foundation will give her a mask effect. I tell this to her and it falls on deaf ears. The girl feels strongly about the beauty of white skin and I could tell her fifty times that you buy make-up that is the colour of your skin, not the colour you want your skin to be, but it won’t make a difference.

Because every time she tries on something that’s several shades lighter than her skin she’d exclaim “this is good! It’s whitening”. And every time I force her to test make-up that matches her tone, she’d apply it and say “well I can’t see any change of colour” and I tell her exasperatedly that this is the whole point.

As I’m holding the fifteenth bottle of foundation she asks me where I’m from and I tell her China. Her face lights up and she immediately switches to Mandarin. Now she starts asking for advice on blush. I take her through the different brands again, looking for blush this time. I’m still feeling altruistic so I give her advice to the best of my ability but she decides to be difficult.

We end up with five different types of blush in front of us. They are all extremely similar in colour. In fact two of them I can’t even tell apart. She tells me she wants to try all of them on her arm. However, because she dreams of having perfect white skin as canvas, she insists on applying foundation and translucent powder to her arms first before testing the blush.

Ten minutes later her arms are the colour of paper, just the way she likes it. I apply the different blushes to her arm and they all look pretty much the same to me, except some are sparkly and she spends about 15 minutes agonising over whether sparkly products will make her face look more oily.

In the end she decides on a pale pink from L’Oreal, but then spots a dusty pink in Revlon and decides she wanted to try on some more. So again with the foundation and powder (I even give her one of my own baby wipes to clean up her pink spotted arm first) and I follow her with a kabuki brush around swishing more pink powder onto her arms.

When she finally makes a decision I’m totally relieved. Except them she spots some lipgloss lying nearby and turns and asks me “what kind of lipgloss would suit me?”. I mentally facepalm myself and then tell her that lipgloss is a very personal thing and because it isn’t as colour-rich as lipstick there shouldn’t be a colour you don’t suit, so she should choose for herself.

But she won’t. She tries on several lipglosses and complains about all of them. I ask her what colours she likes and she tells me “I want to make my mouth look small”. I want to tell her she has Jay-Z lips.

After spending about 20 minutes looking through lipglosses H and I talk her into a light translucent pink. I think she’s about done, but just as I think it she says “so let’s go back to foundation” and I mentally facepalm myself one more time.

When she has finally chosen a powdered foundation, I look to the dispensary and see all of my colleagues quietly laughing at me. It has been nearly two hours and unfortunately she shows no signs of wanting to leave. Instead she asks me for advice on skincare.

I spent so long talking to her about it that I can’t even be bothered writing about it now. At 4:00 pm, two and a half hours later, H finally decides enough is enough, and tells me to go to the toilet and don’t come back. I take as long as I possibly can and when I return, the girl is thankfully at the register.

After she leaves we all crack up at the same time, and G voices what we were all thinking the entire time – “but she looks awful”. I guess she did, but I totally understand how seemingly important it is to be pretty and I tried my best with her, but she was really pushing it.

B: I showed her a life she can’t have
Me: Yeah. It’s like, taking a frog out of a well and chucking it back in
B: Yeah
Me: How about you take a photo with Martin and post it to her and write “sorry, I am gay”
B: Why can’t I take a photo with YOU and say I have a girlfriend?
Me: I don’t know, being gay for Martin came to mind first
B: Thanks
Me: You can even print out pharmacy labels and do the whole Zoigberg thing, “sorry, I only date my own species”
B: And what if she tells all my relatives in Vietnam I’m a gay alien
Me: Yeah and they’ll really believe that?
B: Well maybe in Vietnam they will
Me: All the frogs in the well aye
B: Aye

FCOD reminds me of fish.

Retarded spelling of the day.

TB: With shoes
Or without?
Me: Withought