ZzZzzzZzZzZ …

It was a very good thing I saw Eugene tonight. I took the opportunity to warn him about how dead I will be tomorrow morning.

OMGOMGOMGOMG

I’ve lost my UrbanAgent virginity. I feel so WHORISH.

The “random” tag is such a fatty now.

There must be SOMETHING to my life other than transient thoughts.

Geez.

Clinical Placement Visit #3

Let’s recap.

First visit: Raining. Rushed from work to UNSW to Jez’s house to Carlingford all because I left my paperwork on his desk. Didn’t blink through entire bus trip trying to sus out when I should press the stop button. Wore impractical skirt. Got drenched walking to pharmacy from bus stop. Was over an hour late.

Second visit: Totally organised. Prepared to press the stop button as soon as bus passes petrol station on left side of road. Looked up timetables and 131500. Figured out which train and bus to take and expected to arrive twenty minutes early. Failed to spot petrol station.  Got off the bus at Carlingford station. Panicked. Thankfully caught a taxi. Was two minutes early.

Third visit: Spent most of visit checking expiry dates and unpacking boxes of stock containing pink princess cushions and photo frames.

You’d think it can only get better from here, but you’d probably be wrong.

Now I’m sitting here watching my own YouTube covers. I think I might be mentally injured.

Ridicumalous

This is the back-and-forth bloody pointless conversation I’m currently having with a girl on Facebook. And for some perverted reason I can’t stay away from this futile dialogue. She’s TWISTED IN THE MIND, I tell you.

Her: (Name) is going to stand up to the many odd souls in authority who treat others like just another member of society i.e. ordinary no matter what you achieve

Another girl: What happened?

Her: It’s awkward to explain – something personal. The short of it is that a doctor pushed her ‘all-including’ views onto me and made me feel unworthy even though I’ve saved myself for one man i.e. she’s like, girl, you still need pap smears ‘cos even virgin men can contract HPV (cervical cancer causing virus, an STD) from their mothers and she wouldn’t give me the Pill as she felt a moral responsibility not to, if I didn’t pull down my pants. So she went on to insult my b.f.’s mother! She also said that she’s seen a lot of abnormal cells – to beat me with experience.

Then she said that there’s nothing wrong with intimacy, as if she’s the purer one. I can’t believe that I’m being included in the mass population. The culture I grew up with sees the procedure as ‘dirty’ ‘cos if you’re virginal, where would it come from?!

Totally insensitive to the clients’ needs – very authoritarian. I felt like I was going to be raped. I had to speak out to keep my chastity.

Other girl: I see I see. It is a very sensitive issue. People have different views on it I guess. Even if you have only had one sexual partner who was also a virgin, you should still get a pap smear girlfriend! I’m sure the doc wasn’t meaning to offend you in any way.  Did u get the vaccination shots for cervical cancer?

Her: No, because there’s no way that we’re breaking up, so there’s no point in getting the shot – it only prevents, not cures. Regarding the pap smears, I reckon it’s the West’s way to get women used to it – ‘cos most people aren’t so ‘virtuous’ i.e. doctors think that women wouldn’t be with the same partner from the start… thus, needing to prepare for future partners with less knowable history.

I can’t go for the procedure ‘cos of another aspect of the matter which I find too harrowing to talk about here.

Me: (Name), the doctor was just being precautious. It’s the standard of care for EVERYONE. It’s her professional responsibility. She doesn’t know you personally so she can’t assume that everything you tell her is true, especially when you really don’t know. Because keep in mind that commmonly sexually-transmitted diseases can sometimes be contracted without having sex.

It’s the “all including” view because you really are part of “everyone”. She’s not picking on you, and she’s not insulting either (boyfriend’s name) or his mother. But I guess maybe she could have been a little less blunt.

Your health is really important, and wouldn’t you want to take all the precautions to make sure you keep healthy? Nobody is going to judge you for getting pap smears and cervical cancer vaccines, and a lot of girls who have them done haven’t had more than one sexual partner.

I think you’re being extremely prejudiced and judgmental. Especially in your second comment.

Her: I agree, Annie… There’s just more to the story, which has driven me to be prejudiced and judgemental for this while. I sent Jenny an email, to explain. Believe me, it really hurts to judge society as a whole. I appreciate what medicine’s trying to do for me – it’s just that my precaution in the case is to remain with my first and for a really personal reason, I feel the need to be respected for it.

For a really personal reason, I’ve made such harsh comments. If I knew that my first partner’s got something, then I’d go for it, but I wouldn’t put myself through that every 2 years to get peace of mind. As for the vaccine, there’s no point as we’re remaining together. For others, they may need the check-up and all if it has been/wouldn’t be “virgins all around”.

No one would judge me and certainly not Roland’s mum, but I feel like I’d be judging both of us if I went for the procedure. All for a reason which I sometimes still find to harrowing to tell.

I’ve only selected things to say at the moment, so it may still sound prejudiced. I wish I could tell you here, but Jen’s email’s really long and I just think that it’ll make me seem more of a nutcase if I send that essay to you too, lol. I just need a hug sometimes and I’ll retreat back from the threat.

Me: Hmm well I don’t mean to pry into your personal life and I’ll respect your personal reasons for your comments. I just thought that your anger towards your doctor wasn’t justified because had she dealt with your consult the way you wanted, she would actually have been irresponsible. She knows as much about you as you tell her, which wouldn’t be much. She doesn’t know you as a person and she doesn’t understand you, so she tells you what she’d tell anyone with the same story, you know? So don’t be offended because most doctors don’t imply that kind of stuff. I’ve had a blood test recently to see what vaccines i’ve had, and my doctor decided to test for a bunch of other things while he has my sample, including HIV and hepatitis. I wasn’t offended. It’s just a precaution, and despite knowing I haven’t done anything that could have given me HIV or whatever, I still wanted to know for sure. I don’t know your whole story so I’ll just stop now.

But I really do think there’s no harm in vaccinations and pap smears. You can trust yourself and you can trust the people that you love, but can you really trust everyone else?

Her: Realizing what you said in the first post (today) a few weeks ago has calmed me down. I forgive. It’s okay. To me, there’re 2 people whom I really cannot trust, one of them I actually can and would just leave it at that… the other, well, I had to kick him, you know. It was like that. I wasn’t sure if I was still ‘whole’ anymore. Later, I did offer everything to my current b.f., but I hadn’t heard promises of forever for a long while as he had been afraid of failed commitments which have been occuring around his upbringing. So for a long time, I associated everything with what chastity I had left – I made a vow at 12 to save it ’til 28/marriage, I had a strict upbringing – had no friends over, don’t really know how to socialize, had no birthday parties etc etc. When I lost a few people in life back in ‘06, I was so afraid to lose my b.f. too and I really wanted to break out, but still, wanted someone to see the real me who hadn’t been touched.

We went ahead – kicking the other guy was worth it, but because I hadn’t had my promises – ‘cos, hey, it was a compromise, a risk… I thought I didn’t need promises as it was so clear. Yet I did as he’d always been verbal. I got afraid and treated him really badly for all this time since then. I have desperately tried to up my status again – through all desperate measures – religion, lifestyle, etc etc… in order to be the pure little girl he’d met. I didn’t want him to see me as easy. We’ve been through so much and there’ve been some really dark times when I didn’t know myself anymore… but the promises came in their own time, anyway. The residue is that I’ve become really paranoid and intolerant. I find it difficult to place myself with mass society after this experience. I’m still trying to find balance and peace…All I know is that at 12, I’d never think of going for those tests and now I’ve still got to stay true to myself. I’m calm as long as I believe that I don’t need them.

(It was a blood test for you, but this would be nudity. I’m okay with everything else, even if they do test for “offensive” conditions. This is the thing, clothes on + STD test = fine, I’d be curious and it’d be quite light and fun. I went for that once just to be sure too. Clothes off + non-STD test e.g. thrush = fine. I went for that once too. Yet clothes off + STD test = no no… that’s doubling the loss of dignity to me). In my perfect world, people would appreciate virginity more – and not just see it as Christian value, but of social value. Vaccines and pap smears would always be band-aids… and it’s this notion of  “normality” – that doing ‘it’ is okay without life commitment and that being checked for STDs is also okay consequentially – which scares me. I’ll stop now too. Thanks for being here, Annie. I appreciate it.

By the way, who’s the “everyone else” you’re referring to?

Me: I didn’t really get what you were talking about up till the blood test part. Um, I guess you have your own beliefs, but there’s a giant gaping chasm of different between stripping down for a medical examination and stripping down for sex or whatever. And I can’t get my head around why you were firstly offended by the notion of getting tested for STDs, and now it’s okay as long as you’ve got your clothes on? Or why it’s okay to get naked to check for thrush but not STDs? A test is a test, you know? If it’s necessary to draw blood, they do it. If it’s necessary for you to pee in a cup, they do it. They don’t make you take off your clothes because they think oh, that might be fun. I’m sure if saliva had markers for everything none of us will ever be touched in the wazoo with a rubber glove ever again.

Everyone else being, maybe a nurse who got distracted and used a contaminated needle to give you a vaccine? A careless idiot who left their used syringe on the beach? Sexual offenders?

“OMG I’m so glad this year’s over”

You know what I don’t understand? People who say things like “thank God this year’s over” at the end of the year. It’s different from making resolutions. Resolutions are arguably easier to follow at the beginning of the year for presumably calendary (I made that word up) reasons. But it’s funny how some people seem to think that their problems can’t follow them past midnight on January the first.

Random thought!

Hmm

I’m not sure whether it’s still true, but several of my friends were anti-Jez at one time. Most probably the time when we broke up and I went to uni everyday wearing exactly the same outfit and no expression. They told me Jez wasn’t worth it. When we got back together, they knew I was going to do what I wanted regardless of what they said, so they said nothing. But I could guess what they were thinking.

It’s been a long time since I mentioned Jez to them. I don’t really know what they think of him now, and whether they could formulate opinions about him anyway, when what they know about Jez and me is somewhat outdated.

My friends don’t see Jez very often. When they do, they treat him like one of them. Whether sincere or not, who knows or cares, but I think they are. Jez sometimes gets grumpy-faced over my friends not liking him. I laugh at him because I don’t think it’s that dramatic.

So a few months ago we were having one of those random conversations where I asked him whether he has any friends that don’t like me. He said no, and then said except Sandra. Sandra is a girl from high school who has been friends with Jez for a few years. I’ve never spoken to her. Not because we didn’t get along, we just never tried.

I asked Jez why she didn’t like me when she practically only knows of me. Apparently she dislikes me BECAUSE I’M DATNG JEZ. Seriously. Anyone’s first thought would be that she wants him herself, but he said that wasn’t it, and he didn’t know what was. It bothered me a little but I thought, it’s ok, she’s one person, you can’t expect everyone to like you, and you can’t expect everyone who doesn’t like you to have a legitimate reason.

It came up again every now and then, and Jez would tell me what she’d say to him, which usually revolved around me not being good enough for him and how she doesn’t understand why he’s dating me when he can do better. I wanted to scream at her YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW. In fact I wanted to scream a lot of things. I’d get angry and think up what I’d like to say to her when or if I see her. Jez just always seemed torn between me and his friendship with her.

In the end I decided to be civil. Mostly because I can’t stand conflict and partly because I couldn’t see what good would come out of a fight. I thought that if after she talks to me and still hates me, I’ve done my part and she’s the one with the problem. Despite that I didn’t think I’d see her again. But I did.

We went to Nathan’s 21^st last night and she was there. When she walked in I said hi. Just normally, you know? As normal as it is to greet someone you haven’t met. Except I have and I know she’d probably wish my glass of water would spontaneously turn into cyanide, but I put that in the back of my mind and think of what I’m going to say next only I don’t get a chance to say anything else as she looks down her nose at me and mutters hello and promptly gives me a full view of her back.

So that went totally well. I don’t know why, but it really bothered me, being in the same room. Maybe it was the fact that she wouldn’t come within five metres of me, even if the person she was talking to walks over to where Jez and I were. Maybe it was the fact that I’d be sitting with Jez one second and then I’d go somewhere and when I come back he’s talking to her. It’s not the talking that I mind, it’s that they’ve timed it around my absence.

Awhile later I go to the bar for cranberry and find the two of them sitting near the counter. She’s closer, and her back is facing me. Jez is right against the counter, so I lean across and tap him on the shoulder to tell him to order me a drink. When I do this she very audibly barks “fuck off” and I’m too surprised to say anything. Jez is quiet.

I just couldn’t believe why she couldn’t keep it to herself. It’s enough that she continuously tries to convince Jez that he could do better than me, but to say something like that in front of both of us?